This summer I had an awful time with my powerful friend, my MS diagnosis. Or, I thought I was at the least. I was stumbling and unsteady on my feet and one friend thought I had had a stroke. This was enough to get me to a doctor and he referred me to a neurologist, my third since the diagnosis. I hadn't been under the care of a neurologist for over a year. I hadn't gotten a new one since I moved in June of 2006 but I w0uld occasionally be in the old neighborhood to see #2.
#3 ran all the baseline tests and told me one incredbile piece of news. He said there was no sign of active disease and he recommended that I not start any new medication. I had taken myself off the old meds when I reached saturation with daily self injection about a year earlier.
Ever since then I keep focusing on a quantum leap to take place where all of the sudden all the brain damage that I have sustained will go away in one big "pouff" and I will be walking, running, dancing and balancing with sustained energy and grace. That if I could stop the active disease by changing my mind that I would restore all the functions that had been short circuited by the stripped myelin.
Part of that is that I cannot walk a straight line and that I am prone to face plants. There are only so many of them that you can blame on your dog crossing in front of you. Plus, maintaining energy can be a short suit many days. The other part is laziness. It's much easier to do hours of focus disciplining every day than it is to stuggle and practice walking.
I have to change that because as soon as I take the bull by the horns my faculties will all be delivered to me but I have to walk out to the gate to let them in.
I keep trying to enlist someone to help me, to hold me accountable or at the very least to come up beside me and walk or ask me how my walk was and tell me that I am doing great. I know now that that is avoidance.
This part of the impossible dream is scary for some reason. It took me 4 years to stop the disease from activity and now I'm a deer in the headlights for the last part.
If you don't like something, be the change you want to see.
I will teach myself to walk.
